Writing Absence

When it rains, it pours. It seems like just a cliche saying, but I can attest to it’s truthfulness.

I was facing some troubles with my youngest daughter who started having more frequent seizures. I was stressed out because our dog, who was meant to be a service dog, did not like the extra attention she was getting. He acted out and ran away multiple times, which was an added stress I did not need! After many many tears, we decided to rehome our beautiful, lovable, golden retriever because he was not fit to be our service dog. We didn’t take that decision lightly, and it brought a Great Depression upon our household. He’s enjoying a home that has more time to give him the attention he deserves.

Then, the unthinkable happened. At the end of March, I got a phone call from my mom in the middle of the night, and those calls only mean one thing. My dad had passed away after a heart attack.

The terrifying thing for me is, I’ve recently gone through a religious reform and have left my upbringing of the Mormon faith. My father and I didn’t have the greatest relationship, but my leaving the church seemed to create a big rift over the past six months that I wished it hadn’t. Before, we’d talk every once in awhile, send each other pictures, and were able to sweep our differences under the rug. Leaving the church, it felt like he was disappointed in me, and didn’t reach out. Though, my mom has insisted that the last few months of his life he was slowly deteriorating from end stage renal disease and dialysis, and didn’t really communicate with his children at all.

I was able to fly to Utah and participate in my father’s funeral, helping my mother with whatever I could. I wrote my father’s life sketch and read it during the services. I tried to write my feelings in a poem below.

Unsolved

Can we avoid the other’s gaze

Yearned

Can I have an ounce of praise

Masked

Can we put on a happy face

Worried

Can you hear my sorrow in that place

Rested

I guess all that’s left is grace

Unsolved

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